Chaseo and Camronette
by Pathetic Fallacy
Summary: I still suck at titles. You get the general gist House Romeo and Juliet crossover because Mirana gets bored easily. Rated for a bit of language, plus innuendo.


_Tell me I have too much time on my hands. _

_Houston, we have crossover. _

_Again, I wrote in in script format, then realized at the last second that's not allowed. -thwaps forehead- So I've rewritten it, with minimal narrative. Imagine it in script format, will you? Anyway..._

_Break a leg..._

* * *

Two doctors, both alike in dignity

In fair New Jersey, where we lay our scene

From ancient disease break to new differential diagnoses

Where civil blood tests make civil hands unclean

From forth the fatal loins of these two foes

A pair of star-crossed lovers take their lunch break

Whose misadventured piteous overthroes

Doth with their protest bury their superior's strife

The fearful passage of their demotion-marked love

And the continuance of their superior's rage

Which, but their employees end, naught could remove

Is now the two hours traffic of our stage

The which of you with patient eyes attend

What here shall miss, our toil shall strive to mend.

* * *

"Gregory, on my word, we'll not carry urine samples," announced a nurse to her companion.

"No, for then we should be the carriers of urine samples," the intern agreed.

"I mean, an we be in... urine... we'll draw."

"Ay, and while you live, draw your neck out of..."

There was a brief silence.

"Well, we gave it a shot, didn't we?" the nurse said with resignation. The intern nodded.

"A dog of the House moves me."

"To move is to stir, and to be valiant is to stand. Therefore, if thou art moved, thou runnst away," the nurse replied.

"Damn right. Scary bastard."

The nurse elbowed him. He cleared his throat.

"The quarrel is between our masters, and us their men."

"And women."

"And women," he amended. The nurse glanced up to see a pair of doctors swaggering down the corridor towards them.

"Here comes two of the House."

"My naked weapon is out - "

The nurse started sniggering hysterically.

"Stop it," theinternordered. "Quarrel! I will back thee!"

"I will frown as they pass, and let them take it as they list."

"They'll list your duties for you,"the intern said darkly. "Bloody doctors, think they're better than us worker types!"

"Shhh."

"As they dare, I will bite my thumb at them, which is disgrace to them if they bear it without fetching bandages,"the intern announced. There was a muffled scream.

"Why do you bite your thumb, sir?" one of the doctors enquired with morbid curiousity.

"I do bite my thumb sir."

"But do you bite your thumb at us, sir?"

"Is the law of our side if I say 'ay'?" the intern asked in an aside to the nurse.

"They can hear you, you know."

"What law?"

"Damn. Uh - Do you quarrel, sir?"

"Do _I _quarrel! I'm not the one biting my thumb at random people. Geez."

"But if you do, sir, I am for you. I serve as good a patient as you."

"No better," the doctor replied non-comitally.

"The hell is that supposed to mean?"

"Guess," the doctor said smugly.

"Bastard."

They fought for a few minutes, before Wilson charged in, brandishing a clipboard, closely followed by Vogler.

"Part, fools! Put up your clipboards! You know not what you do!"

"What, art thou drawn among these hartless hinds? Turn thee, Wilson, and look upon thy death!" Vogler ordered amid the chaos of flying clipboards and bitch slapping.

"I do but keep the peace," Wilson said warily. "Put up thy clipboard, else manage it to part these men –"

"- and women – " the nurse put in hurriedly.

"- and women," Wilsoncorrected, "with me."

"What, drawn and talk of peace? I hate the word. As I hate House, the house of House, and thee. Have at thee, coward!"

Wilson eyed him. "That wasn't half confusing."

"It makes sense if you think about it."

"What noise is this?" cried Old Cudulet as she emerged from her office. "Give me my big clipboard, ho!"

"I resent that," James said waspishly.

"I'm the one being referred to as 'old.' Now shut up and say your line."

"A crutch, a crutch," James said with a distinct lack of vigour.

"That's House," Old Cudulet said, with the air of one expecting a loud laugh. It didn't come.

"... shut up. Why call you for a clipboard?"

"My clipboard, I say! Old House is come, and flourishes his power in spite of me!"

"Thou villain, Cudulet!" House shouted, careening into the fray with cane held aloft. A trumpet sounded, causing everyone to freeze simultaneously and glance at the elevator that had just opened. Stacy stalked out, eyes aflame.

"Rebellious doctors! Enemies to peace! Profaners of this neighbour-stained clipboard!" she shouted, looking slightly puzzled.

"That just doesn't sound right," the nurse tutted. The intern shushed her.

"What ho! you men –"

"- and women –" the nurse said brightly. Stacy glared at her.

"- and women, you beasts! That quench the fire of your pernicious rage, with purple fountains issuing from your veins!"

"And I thought _House_ was on drugs," Wilson said blankly.

"Shhh."

"On pain of extra clinic duty, from those bloody –" Stacy continued vainly.

"Not really bloody," the nurse said brightly. "More bruised."

"My thumb's bloody," the intern said morosely.

"Shh."

"From those slightly bruised hands, throw your mistempered weapons to the ground!"

There was aclatter as clipboards fell to the floor.

"And hear the sentence of your moved prince!"

"Princess," trilled the nurse.

"It's the age of political correctness, alright?" Stacy snapped. "Anyway. Three civil brawls, bred of an airy word, have thrice disturbed the quiet of our corridors! And made Princeton-Plainsboro's ancient residents –"

"Hey!" objected a good half of the staff, including House.

"- Cast by their grave beseeming ornaments, to wield old partisans, in hands as old –"

"- I'm not old," House spat.

"Shhh."

"Don't you 'shh' me, you -"

"Cank'red with peace,"Stacy shouted, "to part thy cankr'd hate. If ever you disturb our hallways again, your medical licenses shall pay the forfeit of the peace! For this time, all the rest depart away. You, Cudulet, shall go along with me, and, House, come you this afternoon. To know our farther pleasure in this case, to my office, our common judgement place. Once more, on pain of death, all men depart, and I swear if anyone says 'and women' I will personally gouge their eyeballs out and skewer them on sticks."

The nurse, who looked to have been about to speak, subsided as the group began to file out of the hallway, looking slightly abashed.

"Who set this ancient quarrel new abroach?" House asked Wilson. "Speak, colleague, were you by when it began? By with a 'y' that is."

Wilson rolled his eyes. "Here were the servants of your adversary. And yours, close fighting ere I did approach. I drew to part them. In the instant came the fiery Vogler, with his clipboard prepared. Which, as he breathed defiance to my ears, he swung about his head and cut the winds."

"You've really lost me now."

"Who, nothing hurt withal, hissed him in scorn."

"You've been to the Apothecary again, haven't you?"

"While we were interchanging thrusts and blows," Wilson said doggedly.

House sniggered.

"Geez, getover it– thrusts and blows, yes – Came more and more, and fought on part and part, till the Prince came, who parted either part."

"I really have no idea what that meant. Anyway, where's Chase?"

"An hour before the worshipped sun peered forth the golden window of the East, a troubled mind drave me to walk abroad, where, underneath the grove of those trees near the cafeteria, that westward rooteth – get a grip, man – from this hospital's side."

"Get on with it!"

"So early walking did I see your so - subordinate."

"Thank God that's over."

"There's more."

"Oh, god, there's more."

"Towards him I made, but he was ware of me, and stole into the covert of clinic duty."

"Right, right," House said impatiently.

"I, measuring his affections by my own, which then most sought where most might not be foiund, being one too many by my weary self –"

"Dear God..."

"Pursued my humour, not pursuing his, and gladly shunned who gladly fled from me."

"So, basically, you saw him then wandered off."

"That's about the size of it, yes."

"Many a morning hath he there been seen, with tears augmenting the fresh morning's dew. Adding to clouds more clouds with his deep sighs; but all too soon as the all-cheering sun, should in the farthest East begin to draw the shady curtains from Aurora's bed -"

"Now who's rambling?" Wilson interjected.

"You had your turn. Away from light steals back my heavy so – subordinate, and private in his office pens himself. Shuts up his windows, locks fair daylight out, and makes for himself an artificial night."

"God. At least you could vaguely understand half of mine."

"Black and portentuous must this humour prove, unless good counsel might the cause remove. See? Mine _rhymes."_

"Do you know the cause?"

"Well, see, 'prove' and 'remove' –"

"No, the cause of Chase being a miserable bastard."

"I neither know it nor can learn it of him."

"Uhuh," Wilson said skeptically. "Have you importuned him by any means?"

"Only by making him look up all every possible cause of neck pain," House said, glancing innocently at the ceiling.

"That'd do it."

"Both by myself and many other friends. But he, his own affection's counselor –"

"Oh, here we go, let me get a magazine..."

"Is to himself I will not say how true, but to himself so secret and so close. So far from souding and discovery, as is the bud bit with an envious worm. Ere he can spread his sweet leaves to the air."

"Hey. Shoe sale."

"You are so gay."

"I'm not the one going on about flowers and spreading sweet leaves to the air," Wilson informed him over the magazine.

"Could we but learn," House said meaningfully, "from whence his sorrows grow, which shouldn't be hard considering this bloody place, we would as willingly give cure as know."

"Yeah, yeah... See, where he comes. So would please you step aside, you bastard, I'll know his grievance or be much denied."

"Pfft. I would thou wert so –"

"Don't even start."

"Fine. Geez."

House limped off the stage, throwing a dark look over his shoulder as Chase slunk into view.

"Good morrow, cousin," Wilson said brightly, trotting beside him.

"Is the day so young?"

"But new struck nine. You're on time for a change."

"Ay me, sad hours seem long."

"Suck it up, wuss," House put in from the sidelines.

"Shhh. He's infodumping."

"Right. Sorry." Exeunt House properly.

"Sorry," Wilson muttered.

"Was that my boss who went hence so... nastily?"

"It was. What sadness lengthens Chase's hours?"

"Not having that which having makes them short."

"Lunchbreak?"

"Out."

"Of your lunchbreak?"

"Out of his favor who could supply me with lunchbreaks."

"Alas that House, so gentle in his view, should be so tyrannous and rough in proof!"

"Alas, that House, whose view is muffled still, should with a limp take pathways to his will! Where shall we dine?"

"Thought you didn't get lunchbreaks."

"O me! What fray was here?"Chase asked hurriedly. "Yet tell me not, for I have heard it all. Here's much to do with hate, but more with urine samples. Why then, O brawling urine samples, O loving hate, O anything, of nothing first create! O heavy lightness, serious vanity, misshapen chaos of well-seeming forms, feather of lead, bright smoke, cold fire, sick health, still waking sleep –"

"You've been sneaking House's Vicodin, haven't you? Bloody hospital of druggies."

"That is not what it is!"

"Sure, sure."

"Dost thou not laugh?"

"No, coz, I rather weep."

"Gay," came what sounded suspiciously like House's voice from the sidelines.

"Will you get off the stage?" Wilson asked.

"Sorry."

"Geez," Wilson muttered. "Do go on."

"Good heart, at what?" Chase asked, looking slightly uncertain.

"Ga-"

"Don't start or I'll feed you your cane. Sorry. At thy good heart's oppression!"

"Why, such is lunchbreak's transgression. Griefs of mine own lie heavy in my breast –" Chase went on with dogged determination.

"Hah, he said –"

"House!"

"Which thou wilt propogate," Chase said hurriedly, ignoring the murderous looks beingshot offstage by his companion, "to have it prest with more of thine. This love that thou hast shown –"

"God, this is so -"

"House, God damnit, you're playing Mercutio later now _shut up,_" hissed Wilson, who looked in some danger of having a heart attack.

"Doth add more grief to too much of mine own. Love is a smoke raised within the fume of sighs, being purged a fire sparkling in lovers eyes," Chase managed.

"Hey, it rhymes again."

"Being vexed, a sea nourished with lovers' tears. What is it else? A madness most discrete –"

"Madness, I'll drink to that," Wilson muttered moodily.

"A choking gall, and a preserving sweet. Farewell, my coz."

"See, House? You've pissed him off now. Soft! I will go along. And if you leave me with that loonie, you do me wrong."

"Tut! I have lost myself," Chase said sadly.

"We're on line 195," Wilson supplied helpfully.

"No, no. I am not here. This is not Chase, he is some other where."

"Well, there's a waste of time if ever there was one. Where is he, then?"

"I am Chase, you idiot."

"But you said –"

"I was being poetic," Chase explained with some exasperation.

"Oh. Do proceed."

"Geez..."

"Tell me in sadness, what it is that you love?"

"What, shall I groan and tell thee?"

Muffled sniggering sounded from offstage. A wild look came into Wilson's eyes.

"Just a minute."

Exuent Wilson. Chase was left standing awkwardly center stage. Mildly disconcerted, he adjusted his tie while muffled screamingwas heard from off stage. Wilson returned, panting slightly.

"Groan? Why, no. But tell me what," he asked wildly. Chase looked slightly worried.

"Bid a sick man in sadness make his will. Ah, word ill urged to one that is so ill!"

"Oh, know what? Forget it. Just - this isn't worth it."

"Fine. Farewell. Thou canst not teach me to forget."

"I'll pay that doctrine, or else die in debt. Now where's House, I need to hit him with something."

_Exeunt all._

* * *

_Think I should write the next scene? Please review._


End file.
